A Patio of Sorrows Promises a Journey Home

Revelation 21:4 And He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away. 

We're in the midst of it, yet we remain isolated, separated from it. My mother-in-law is 86 years old and suffers from dementia for many years now. Within her memory care facility, COVID19 infected a few staff and then several residents, my mother-in-law included. 

Transferred to the local community hospital, she received care and did not require a ventilator. No visitations are allowed--continuing the long months we have not physically seen her since this pandemic began. 

My dear friend's daughter is a nurse at this hospital, like an angel sent to keep an eye, a wing over her. We receive the reports every day, her condition, her confusion, her despair, her fear, her rebellion and defiance, her longing to go "home," the doctor calling my brother-in-law. Could that be her childhood home in the Netherlands? Could that be sixty years ago in Culver City when she first immigrated to America? Now she is silent and refusing to eat. 

Home is where one feels safe, protected, surrounded by loved ones. 

Happy. 

She returns home, but it is back to the memory care facility, to a special ward they have set up for "returning" COVID19 patients, for now. It is not the HOME we long for, the place where beauty displays beyond our imaginations, where perfection and all its Glory outshines the sun, where all things are aligned and make sense and we see the purpose in everything, where Jesus and His Grace envelop our Spirit and Love wipes away, disinfects hate forever and ever. 

And so we wait over here, while she is over there, and we pray that she will receive mercy to get home, the Heavenly Home awaiting her where her husband waits, her grandson prepares, Her Heavenly Father hears our prayers. 

I remember the day very well, the day she knew her husband definetly went to heaven, but she did not think, had no assurance she would be "so lucky." 

It had only been a few hours since my father-in-law peacefully got up out of bed in the middle of the night, made himself some soup, sat in his recliner and went to be with the Lord. In the beginning stages of dementia, and in her confusion, she asked me about Heaven, how she could make sure she could see Dad again. 

The birds chirped loudly in the trees as we sat in her small patio. I asked her the questions one asks when sharing the Good News. Do you believe in God, Mom? We cannot have communion with God because of our sin, it has separated us from Him. Do you know why Jesus came Mom? 

She began to talk of her childhood, how she walked herself to Sunday School in the Netherlands, but no one in her family went. She learned a little about God, maybe Jesus. The need for religion or any church affiliation in adulthood only came when convenient, sponsorship by the Luthren Church to come to America, weddings, babtisms, funerals.  My Father-in-law was Catholic, and "he was a good man," she repeated over and over to me in her tears and her overwhelming fears. 

We talked for some time as I held her hands and asked if she wanted to pray, confess her sin, ask Jesus into her heart and have the hope of Heaven. In her thick accent, she pleaded with me to pray and I told her she could repeat the words I said and believe with all her heart that God would hear her. 

And so we did. On the same morning my father-in-law entered Heaven himself, she, even in her confusion and dementia, made Peace with the heavenly Father. 

Isaiah 49:13b "For the Lord has comforted His people, and will have compassion on the afflicted." 

As we returned into the apartment, my husband sitting in Dad's chair, she patted his shoulders and in tears, apologized to her son. 

""I didn't tell you Teddy, I didn't know...I'm so sorry, I never told you about God...Teddy, do you know?" 

My husband, looking up at his mother, in a bit of a surprise, tells her that he knows God, he has salvation, reassuring her that God is good. 

The years go by and her dementia initiates more change and the move to the memory care facility. She no longer knows her grandchildren, her 5 great grand children are a mystery. Her fear overwhelms her and her tears are always evident. Every minute is brand new from the previous one. She won't remember yesterday, a fog of what happened five minutes ago. 

She hugged and loved on me though, in her dementia more than she ever did in her lifetime of having me as her daughter-in-law. 

My tears are evident when I leave her, though I know she is safe. 

And I know as we wait for this next chapter, God, because He is full of Grace, will honor her prayer in the patio of sorrows, welcoming her home. It will be in heaven where she will learn of His character, of His sovereignty, of the stories and the orchestrations. It is there she will meet the saints, hear the choirs, be a part of the Body of Christ and maybe attend Sunday School again, have a ministry.  

I like to think on that, what she has to look forward to. 

Father God, thank You for the opportunity to share the hope of Your Son on that very sad, bittersweet day. I will never forget our precious words together, my mother-in-law and me and Your amazing grace. Today, as we learn of her entering hospice care and we cannot be with her, we ask for Your comfort and peace as You prepare her for eternity and a reunion. May we be ever cognizant of the moments to share the Good News of the Gospel with those You place in our path. May those who know You Lord, never waste a moment not wanting to know You more. This breaks my heart for He longs to give us so much more if we just trust Him. Grace for Salvation is all sufficient, but Sustaining Grace gives us the abundant life promised and a fulfillment of His perfect Will.  Lord, please bless my bother-in-law and his family for he has worked tiredlessly guiding the decisions and doing all the paperwork for her care. Thank You Lord and bless the nurses and doctors in this COVID19 pandemic and all of her previous care. Thank you especially for Nurse Carissa being near to my mother-in-law and all the staff at the hospital. Thank You Lord for the promise of Heaven and for Your comfort and strength for all the days ahead until we too, are Heaven Bound. Amen. 

Cause of Death

Revelation 1: 17-18 And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as a dead man. And He laid His right hand upon me saying, "Do not be afraid; I am the First and Last, and the Living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and Hades." 

"Pilate said to them, "Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?"

They all said, "Let Him be crucified!"

And when Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the multitude, saying, "I am innocent of this Man's blood; see to that yourselves," (Matthew 27:22-24).

On Golgotha, the hill in Jerusalem where crucifictions took place, Jesus bore His cross, hung from the beams by stakes pounded into His flesh. His previously fileted-open back sticking to the splintered wood, blood dripping from the crown of thorns smashed down around His head. Naked, bleeding, suffering, suffocating...Yet enduring the Cross, the Will of  the Father God.

Because it was soon to be the Sabbath, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate if he could take care of Jesus's body. Pilate gave the permission. (Matt. 27:57-58). His body was wrapped in strips of linen most likely soaked in aloes and myrrh. Placed in a donated tomb, Pilate made sure that His body was guarded, secured, as well as a seal placed on the tomb.

No coroner showed up, no hearse, or mortuary...

~~~

A few weeks after my son passed away, I received his death certificate in the mail. It read something like this: Cause of Death, multiple organ failure do to kidney disease and other maladies.

I remember thinking in my deep grief, how could someone sum up his death in just a few short words? It involved so much more, so much I needed to see explained on that piece of paper as if that might justify everything...give me closure.

 I began my process of grief by proclaiming a "Life Certificate," of my son's and my own.

What would Jesus's death certificate say?


Cause of death: 
lying, stealing, coveting, lust, greed, idol worship, hypocrisy, disrespect, gossip, slander, impurity, wrath... 

Racism, poverty, enslavement, starvation, murder, rape...

War, Terrorism, the Halocaust, Genocide, 911, Syria...drug cartels, political anarchy and brutal regimes...

Every disease known and unknown, brought into existence by the deterioration of this world since man made the choice to desire his own will apart from God. 


Jesus died for every sin this world, you and I ever commited--every sin, the blatant and the underlying condition of our hearts, since the beginning of time. Though Pilate "washed his hands," his sin still infiltrated his soul. God sent His Son to right Humanity. Humanity has a way out of eternal separation from the Almighty.

Unfathomable--Yet I believe, because He has given me His Life Certificate.

What did Jesus die from? His Cause of Death?

One Word, one word only...

LOVE.

Lord, Although I write many words, my Life Certificate really says one clear statement--
Reedemed by Grace. Your death on the Cross that Good Friday 2000 years ago, conquered the sin in my life--everyday! I am forgiven, redeemed by Your shed blood, allowing me access to enjoy an intimate relationship with My Heavenly Father. I am thankful Lord, for the gift of the Holy Spirit which gives me Your direction and guides me through the days I am alive in this broken world. In the darkness that covers our lives today, at these hours that are now weeks, may You Jesus, the Light of the World, fill our homes and our hearts with Your Hope. I sing and praise You Lord for Easter morning, when our belief in the Resurrection assures us that we, too, will have eternal life abiding with You into Eternity, victory over sin. Amen.

Because He Is Good

Isaiah 53: 3-5 "He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows, and aquainted with grief; 
and like one whom men hide their face, 
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 
Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; 
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, 
Smitten of God and afflicted. 
But He was pierced through for our transgressions, 
He was crushed for our iniquities..."

Today is Good Friday. Why is it good, you ask?  Christendom takes the bread and breaks it, drinks of the cup and ponders on the good, THE GOOD of what transforms us, pushes us through into the Holy of Holies, passed the torn veil and into a New Covenant, a new promise of Hope, the everlasting riches of His divine glory.

Think back on a day you totally felt ashamed, worthless, sick to your stomach for a horrible decision, unforgiven, guilty, angry, desperate...

Now imagine every human being that ever lived taking those same thoughts and feelings, putting them in a backpack and placing them on the shoulders of Christ. Still, this was only one day, one set of emotions multiplied by all of humanity, the ones we admit, the ones we'd really like to see forgiven. What about all the others, the ones we still covet, hold on to, wrestle with, keep secret, deny...?

Jesus Christ on that Cross took on all of humanity's sin, the obvious and the hidden, the defined and the undefined, the tragic disregard and the intentional and blatant self-serving hedonism of mankind, all of it, and then He died...Because He is Good and we are not!

That sin, that affliction we carry, that sickness deep in our lungs, that infection in our gut, those nervous anxieties and restless nights, that heavy burden that drowns us and keeps us from true joy...He absorbed into his God-man skin, into the very Holy cells of His righteous Being, circulating through His heart, each beat calling out our name to the Father, "Forgive them..."

And this is the Gospel Truth (Mark 15).

Good Friday is Good because it is so personal. It is you He sees from the Cross, you whose sin He gathers and burns.

Break the bread and partake of His goodness, remember His body bruised and crushed. Savor the Bread of Life and His sustaining grace that fills us with awe and wonder. Sip from the cup of His Salvation, the River of Life that floods the deluge of sin to revive and transform us for His glory.

Victory awaits us. A triumphant celebration prepares. Faith is forged and Hope is renewed. For this is not the end of the Good. Good continues eternal.

All that He requires is your humble heart.

"Blessed are those who are poor in spirit ( to know their need for God), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:4

Father, it is incomprehensible the depth of Your Good Love for us, for me. Yet You show me everyday how to do this life, how to live in joy, how to conquer sin and be a light. You do that in such personal ways that encourage me to want to know You even more intimately and share Your plan, worship You with abandon and fellowship with others--THE plan of Love that moves us into the everlasting eternity spent with You. Thank you Father God for sending Your Son to die for me on that Cross, for Your plan to have communion again with us sinners. May we remain always humble and willing to be obedient to Your calling, sharing the Good that is You, Amen.

Scoring A Legacy Goal

Deuteronomy 32:7 "Remember the days of old, consider the years of all generations. Ask your father, and he will inform you, your elders and they will tell you." 

Every four years, like the Olympics, it's time for the World Cup. In case you are thinking this has something to do with Starbucks or Victoria Secret...it's about a little sport called SOCCER. That's what we call it here in America. Around the world it's called FUTBOL! Number one most beloved sport internationally, its been a slow but steady rise catching on here in the states with AYSO and Club leagues. We still lack when it comes to FAN-atical followers. (with the exception of David Beckham--Ha!)

I am reminded of one of my first "newsletters" I compiled;  PRE-blog writing. Covering the sport of soccer in my own international family and all my boys who played including my Father-in-law in his home country of The Netherlands. I am re-posting it here for your enjoyment.  (Sorry it's a little small, but I did my best to convert it here).

Good luck to all the players in the World Cup. Happy Father's Day to all the dads who kick balls around with their sons and daughters, whatever kind of ball. Bless the spectators and soccer moms whose cheers, snacks and van pools get the team where they need to be, energized and refreshed. Every player is a winner!

                         JUNE, 2008!

The red sidebar talks about my husband's illustrious career playing and coaching soccer. Ranked the #1 goalie in California, he earned a scholarship to Keene State in New Hampshire. America's version of FOOTBALL, took out his knee and thus the east coast never materialized. He went on to continue his love of the sport,  coaching and reffing; excellent and admired in both. The black and white photo is a picture of my Father-in-law's team, "The Drafted"in The Netherlands, 1952. Johannes VanTilburg in the black, also a goalie, fathered the legacy of the sport in our family.

Today, my father-in-law sits in his recliner, no recollection of yesterday or even if he ate breakfast this morning. He'd be happy to know The Netherlands won 5 -1 today against last year's World Cup Champion, Spain. We will tell him the results, tell him again tomorrow, help him find the channel. Soon enough, he'll want to get on a bike and pedal to practice.

Like life, family legacies can be both positive and negative. Scripture tells us here to "consider"...talk to, think about, ask for the stories, the memories, record things and get a better picture of who you are based on the experiences of your forefathers. Maybe you'll decide to make some changes, maybe you'll just want to strengthen ties by what you have learned.

Maybe this means a prodical returns home.

Maybe, you'll forgive.

Maybe, you'll ask for forgiveness.

Maybe you'll be healed, a restored legacy.

Whatever the score, God will be cheering you on from the sidelines.


Thank you Lord for family legacy. Lord, we know wisdom comes when we are willing to listen to the advice of another generation and appreciate, maybe even come to understand the sacrifices, decisions and memories, filtering it through our own Heavenly Father.  I pray for a legacy in my own family, like that of Joshua 24:15 which states, "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." For myself,  there is no greater legacy and only through Your sustaining Grace, may I continue to strive for this very thing, all to Your glory, Amen.