A Patio of Sorrows Promises a Journey Home

Revelation 21:4 And He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away. 

We're in the midst of it, yet we remain isolated, separated from it. My mother-in-law is 86 years old and suffers from dementia for many years now. Within her memory care facility, COVID19 infected a few staff and then several residents, my mother-in-law included. 

Transferred to the local community hospital, she received care and did not require a ventilator. No visitations are allowed--continuing the long months we have not physically seen her since this pandemic began. 

My dear friend's daughter is a nurse at this hospital, like an angel sent to keep an eye, a wing over her. We receive the reports every day, her condition, her confusion, her despair, her fear, her rebellion and defiance, her longing to go "home," the doctor calling my brother-in-law. Could that be her childhood home in the Netherlands? Could that be sixty years ago in Culver City when she first immigrated to America? Now she is silent and refusing to eat. 

Home is where one feels safe, protected, surrounded by loved ones. 

Happy. 

She returns home, but it is back to the memory care facility, to a special ward they have set up for "returning" COVID19 patients, for now. It is not the HOME we long for, the place where beauty displays beyond our imaginations, where perfection and all its Glory outshines the sun, where all things are aligned and make sense and we see the purpose in everything, where Jesus and His Grace envelop our Spirit and Love wipes away, disinfects hate forever and ever. 

And so we wait over here, while she is over there, and we pray that she will receive mercy to get home, the Heavenly Home awaiting her where her husband waits, her grandson prepares, Her Heavenly Father hears our prayers. 

I remember the day very well, the day she knew her husband definetly went to heaven, but she did not think, had no assurance she would be "so lucky." 

It had only been a few hours since my father-in-law peacefully got up out of bed in the middle of the night, made himself some soup, sat in his recliner and went to be with the Lord. In the beginning stages of dementia, and in her confusion, she asked me about Heaven, how she could make sure she could see Dad again. 

The birds chirped loudly in the trees as we sat in her small patio. I asked her the questions one asks when sharing the Good News. Do you believe in God, Mom? We cannot have communion with God because of our sin, it has separated us from Him. Do you know why Jesus came Mom? 

She began to talk of her childhood, how she walked herself to Sunday School in the Netherlands, but no one in her family went. She learned a little about God, maybe Jesus. The need for religion or any church affiliation in adulthood only came when convenient, sponsorship by the Luthren Church to come to America, weddings, babtisms, funerals.  My Father-in-law was Catholic, and "he was a good man," she repeated over and over to me in her tears and her overwhelming fears. 

We talked for some time as I held her hands and asked if she wanted to pray, confess her sin, ask Jesus into her heart and have the hope of Heaven. In her thick accent, she pleaded with me to pray and I told her she could repeat the words I said and believe with all her heart that God would hear her. 

And so we did. On the same morning my father-in-law entered Heaven himself, she, even in her confusion and dementia, made Peace with the heavenly Father. 

Isaiah 49:13b "For the Lord has comforted His people, and will have compassion on the afflicted." 

As we returned into the apartment, my husband sitting in Dad's chair, she patted his shoulders and in tears, apologized to her son. 

""I didn't tell you Teddy, I didn't know...I'm so sorry, I never told you about God...Teddy, do you know?" 

My husband, looking up at his mother, in a bit of a surprise, tells her that he knows God, he has salvation, reassuring her that God is good. 

The years go by and her dementia initiates more change and the move to the memory care facility. She no longer knows her grandchildren, her 5 great grand children are a mystery. Her fear overwhelms her and her tears are always evident. Every minute is brand new from the previous one. She won't remember yesterday, a fog of what happened five minutes ago. 

She hugged and loved on me though, in her dementia more than she ever did in her lifetime of having me as her daughter-in-law. 

My tears are evident when I leave her, though I know she is safe. 

And I know as we wait for this next chapter, God, because He is full of Grace, will honor her prayer in the patio of sorrows, welcoming her home. It will be in heaven where she will learn of His character, of His sovereignty, of the stories and the orchestrations. It is there she will meet the saints, hear the choirs, be a part of the Body of Christ and maybe attend Sunday School again, have a ministry.  

I like to think on that, what she has to look forward to. 

Father God, thank You for the opportunity to share the hope of Your Son on that very sad, bittersweet day. I will never forget our precious words together, my mother-in-law and me and Your amazing grace. Today, as we learn of her entering hospice care and we cannot be with her, we ask for Your comfort and peace as You prepare her for eternity and a reunion. May we be ever cognizant of the moments to share the Good News of the Gospel with those You place in our path. May those who know You Lord, never waste a moment not wanting to know You more. This breaks my heart for He longs to give us so much more if we just trust Him. Grace for Salvation is all sufficient, but Sustaining Grace gives us the abundant life promised and a fulfillment of His perfect Will.  Lord, please bless my bother-in-law and his family for he has worked tiredlessly guiding the decisions and doing all the paperwork for her care. Thank You Lord and bless the nurses and doctors in this COVID19 pandemic and all of her previous care. Thank you especially for Nurse Carissa being near to my mother-in-law and all the staff at the hospital. Thank You Lord for the promise of Heaven and for Your comfort and strength for all the days ahead until we too, are Heaven Bound. Amen. 

Preparedness

Psalm 10:17 NKJV "Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear."


This week, we've seen some out-of-the-ordinary behaviors with the threat of the Coronavirus. Big box stores are running out of pallets of water and toilet paper, to mention a few of the essentials. Seems people are prepping for the possibility of self-quarantine and/or getting ill. Fights are breaking out, tension, anxiety.
Panic. 

Of course it is important to take the necessary precautions, practice common sense and protect those that are more suceptible. 

Humanity acting in fear.

Humanity acting impulsively.

Humanity weakend.

Humanity desperate.


~~~

I had a conversation with a dear friend this week. She shared an epiphany about herself, about life in the last few days. Reaching a place where she could relax, let go a bit, stand back, she felt things were falling into place. She could turn and look at her own reflection and say, OK, God, how about You and me; I want to seek Your purpose for me in this time of my life. I'm ready, for You have prepared me for more. I am so happy to hear this. She, more so of course. 

Humanity in Christ, long-suffering and redeemed. 

She felt at peace. 

When I think about this friend, she has ALWAYS brought me peace in our friendship, always reflecting her Lord. 

always serving Him in faith and love.

always persevering through trials.

always seeing a Good God through the hurts of life.

always sacrificing for others. 

She lifted her head and felt His sunshine after a very long winter. Butterflies are sure to come. 

Her prayerful spirit beams a ray of warmth on many, and now she wants to bask in His Love and Light for herself, concentrate on her own soul.  What more is she going to discover? I can't wait to hear about it, share with each other.  


~~~

One scenario is about fear and reaction and the other about love and trust. 
Both situations critical, for one person, for many. 

I know in the future, the conversations I hope to have will not be about what we fear, but how we received and reacted to God's provision and protection, how we allowed God to prepare our hearts and lives for His purposes when we followed His wisdom, how He is glorified in preparing us for more and our obedience in that calling. 

...how we saw in the darkness and came out the other side. 

...how we persevered through prayer and fellowship.

...how we prepared our own hearts to align with God's heart. 

Who among you is truly preparing for eternity? Do we daily prepare our hearts to hear and receive more from the Lord? Is panic setting in or peace? 

Lord, Thank You that Your Spirit continuously prepares us for Your good gifts. Our willing and humble spirits long for and hope to receive instruction, purpose, nuggets of wisdom and insight for this life. Lord, sometimes in preparedness actions, the road ahead may be even harder. You do not show us everything, but teach us to trust You. We see and delight in Your ways. Even in our preparing--obedience, we are shown where and taught how to see Your Grace and provident plan. We know there are seasons where our preparing is for the greater good and other times its for our own personal walk with You. Both Lord, glorify You when we cast out all fear and replace it with faith. We ask You Lord to calm us in times of anxiety, and call on You to lead us into a peaceful place of rest to receive more of Your plan and make You known, until we reach Your prepared Place for us, 

Thankful for Your preparation for me on the Cross.  Amen. 

The Prayer Garden

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O Lord, Thou wilt hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to Thee and eagerly watch. 

I don't know why, but something called me outside this morning. I knew what that meant--I'd be lolly gagging with the flowers and bugs and not getting my walk in before the heat. Still cool, I grabbed my coffee and camera and went out back to sit and chat with the Lord. A dialogue happens while walking too, but a garden...well it just seems like a natural place to connect. 

OK God, here's the deal. You are so awesome in all things that You orchestrated this week. How can I not trust you?  And here I am, asking for just that, ... a little more faith, guidance, some peace.

The Tiger Swallowtail moves in on the end of that thought and for once...actually lands and stays on a zinnia right in front of me. I know this guys name for sure. He's been with me for 8 years now, coming alongside me in my grief, healing and purpose. I take his picture in his graceful pose and I name him Grace butterfly. I feel the bubbling up of faith and trust and I can't help but be thankful. 

In less than the time it takes to fly from one flower to the next, his buddy comes soaring in. Bright orange and white, I am thinking it is a Monarch.  Making his appearance quite regularly these last few weeks, today he is not at all camera shy. Diving in, he takes a look around and pops over the fence, around the tree and continues the relay. I hear God tell me something;  this guy has a different name. The butterfly provides for me an opportunity to take his picture many times. His name is Provision. 

How many more can I capture this morning Lord? What else are you giving me, that I asked for, sought for, knocked this morning for?  I am overwhelmed and blessed. 

When we think we don't have any peace, maybe we're just focusing on the negative, not seeing the goodness. It's there, really. Push back the clutter, the midnight minions that worry us  and ask God to open up your eyes to see Him. He waits for the discovery, down in the mess of fallen leaves...but also near the root, where life springs forth. 

The white flag of peace, waving in the earth, another attribute of the Lord along with His sovereign Grace and Provision. When I look in my garden at any given time, I see these guys. They love to fly in pairs, playing off each other and enjoying the flowers.  Now I name her Peace. She flies through and I know she wants to visit everywhere;  to go around the world in her life time,  fly into classrooms and executive board meetings, into huts and alleys, homeless shelters and NICU's, cemeteries and slums, GOP debates and over oceans where people are lost or sailing away to look for her. Peace, it's not elusive. It's so much like the butterfly, something that became transformed, a beautiful hope. 

The hummingbird reminds me to keep busy, keep praying, keep believing, knowing and sharing the GRACE that meets me every morning.  He hears my prayers and PROVIDES His mercy, within His will and timing. It is OK that I ask Him again, for I am weak at times, many times...I live in this crazy world, still human every morning but graced. Each day I ask for continued strength. The PEACE of God, I read and cling to in His Word and know it. I recognize His voice.  He promises that His goodness is sufficient. I am among the transformed and He gave me a new name as well. I continue to eagerly watch  and listen to His voice of Love. 

These guys, clipper butterflies, too numerous to count, I named my  PRAYER WARRIORS; my church, my closest friends here and a far. I love you and your strength. Your  love and support in return cannot be captured in a blog or a few pictures. 

Lord, I am just thankful for so much this week. To want to express it in my writing, sometimes  does not feel like enough. I never want to stop being overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit and how You minister to me. Keep flying in Lord.  What ever words I can come up with, may it be all for Your Glory. Not just working in me, but  Lord, my family is seeing You as well. Your goodness flies all over this world and may those who seek your GRACE, Your PROVISION, Your strength in FELLOWSHIP  and Your PEACE, find it soon and continue until Your Glory returns. Amen.  

~~~

When I came in from my garden, the morning sun ablaze now, I postponed my walk.  Logging  back into my Facebook account, an old classmate sent me this picture, the exclamation mark to my prayers.  God is good. 

The Day Dad Went to Heaven and the Day Mom Said I Believe.

I Corinthians 14:33a "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace..." 


The Lord comes in the transitions. He redeems in the wretched weariness of grief. He rescues the lost in the darkest hour and positions His sons and daughters as vessels for His will, His goodness.

Approaching the midnight hour, between what was and what will be, a long-suffering Believer arises in the hour of his restlessness, fixes some soup and sits, only to bow his head and meet His Maker. God comes in the transitions; in the in between moments of light passing to dark to Eternal Light again.

And we are left to cover Him with mercy and look for the window where we can bask in the sunlight of the promise of more mercy. The sun rises up and God gives us a new day and another purpose. Our prayers are specific and quick and God numbers each tear and places them in a jar of His amazing grace. It swells, saturated from years, yet every one is absorbed into His own Heart.

Redemption flies in like the flock of sparrows chirping in the tree outside the door. She does not  recognize herself, what was expected yet she did not expect, that for everything there is a season. Yet something draws her to ask.

I listen. I pray. We're all separated from him now and we grieve.

We're all separated from Him and He grieves for our own return.

She knows of Him, but never met Him. I introduce Him, the one who called her husband home.

"I believe, she says. He was a believer, but I...how can I do this? I don't know..."

HE KNOWS. 

Jesus came to break that separation, to fill us with hope for each new day...

that day called tomorrow that seems empty, the hour coming that seems impossible, the minute next that reminds us.

Grace flies in on wings of eagles and hope comes too,  knowing she'll be recognized by her prince and by her King.  She repeats her question again and I answer again.

...answer and reassure her again.

She asks her son if he believes because she never told him, she never taught him. "Yes mom, God is good."

And He does for us the same when we doubt, dwell in fear, garnish a moment of ungrace, reveal our own scarred flesh and want to reopen and reinfect those wounds.

We bring her into our home.  We partake in the Divine dinner and are filled with the sustenance of service of the Body of Christ.

She looks for him in the dark of the unknown, calls out his name.

The Lord calls out for us, the one lost sheep, and he guides us back to the protection of the flock.

The next day, she does what she knows, what she loves, nurturing the garden, culling the old leaves, pulling the weeds popping up.  The Lord sees her without a blemish and the weak will be made strong as I watch her break up the ground as if she is ready to plant.

Night comes again, that loneliness of unrest and confusion. Her grandson is called by an angel to go on a mission, but that is not the real mission. In his return, awake and available to intervene, God places him at the right time to usher in safety, protection and mercy.

A conversation happens. Insight. Clarity. Compassion, Understanding, Grace. Words I will hold onto forever. In her memory, it disappears in the morning mist and fog that hangs heavy in her mind. She readies herself to hear the Word of the Lord, to be in His House for the first time as a Believer.

Dad sings in the choir now.

A recent memory of him I will treasure; this last Christmas Eve, standing steady next to me, holding his unlit candle ready for the light of another to touch his,  and singing every word, "Silent Night...," "O Come All Ye Faithful."

Faith, the Scripture tells us, starts as small as a mustard seed, a bird seed. Yet Redemption is infinity, forever, unmeasurable. We plant it in deep, in the broken-up hard ground He promises to soften.  The gardeners gather around our plot in life to tend to us, and His Word seeps into the ground to find the seed and begin the sanctification of our lives, no matter how long we've waited, how long we have left. We ask for the tools, the wisdom to turn towards the SONshine, live and thrive in His Goodness,  gather in the rays and wait until our own time of Harvest comes around.

Thank you Lord. I am grateful to know the HOPE and PROMISE of a loving Savior. I am grateful that You allow us to be Your servant in the dark and into Your marvelous Light.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  You are my Prince of Peace. Amen.

~~~~      

Journal Questions for response or written thought: Where has God given you clarity in the darkness of your life?

When has a memory given you insight into something you sought an answer for?

Do you know the Prince of Peace? Do you need Him tonight, in your own darkness?

Of Hospice, Homecomings and His Peace.

Isaiah 26: 3-4a The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace because he trusts in Thee. Trust in the Lord forever." 

Hospice made their welcome in our lives this week, attending to my father-in-law. Considering his age, health and stress of the last 10 years, he declines each week. Memory only of the moment we're in or of a past in the old country far away, we prepare for the next phase.  My mother-in-law struggles to accept anything, any help, any reality;  her mind rages in fear and distrust, she too with scattered thoughts, unable to reason--the ravages of dementia. She fights the system we put into place, without peace of mind or soul. Unfortunately, this could mean Hospice may move my father-in-law to a safer environment. We'll deal with that when it comes.

It's worn on us as well, but God, our strength-giver, lights our path.  We know in our heart that we want the best in comfort and care in these days, to lessen the friction, struggle and pain; to have above all else, their peace as well as our own peace of mind.

~~~

Homecoming at the school I work at,  happened this week. Manning the ticket gate on the opposing side, I partnered with a new person I never met face to face on campus.  She works as a secretary in the asst. principal's office and fairly new to our campus.  I'm not in that office very much.

 Full of personality, we hit it off right away and before the first kick-off, she knew a lot about me and visa-vera. We bonded quickly over a common heartache, the loss of a son. Attending Chino High in her youth, she also shared the same class as Tim, my son!

Most of the time, I am a storyteller, but to be a storyteller, you must also prepare yourself for listening as well. She told me right away, that the passing of her 2 day-old son had a story.  She began sharing a very personal journey with me. Just meeting, maybe an hour earlier, her story, both sad and miraculous, weaves a tapestry of strength, courage, forgiveness and a family bond that reaches into eternity. She is at peace.

Believing we were meant to work together (as she was called in at the last minute) and meet, that made me feel awesome! I hope one day with her permission, I can share her story. I love meeting new friends!

A little later, the security guard from the district came up to chat with us, and I recognized that face. Danny Q. attended school with Tim from K-12! I introduced Danny to my new friend Nicole, as they did not know each other in High School. Danny, called in to provide an extra amount of manpower, to keep the peace among the fans, parents and outsiders, smiled as he remembered his friend Timmy in younger days.

Nicole and I did a very good job keeping youngsters from wondering out of the gates. Once in, you stayed in. I hope that gives some parents peace of mind.

Last week, we celebrated Tim's birthday, our son who passed away 7 years ago. As we were leaving to drive up north for our 2nd day of celebration, I noticed the flower growing from the divide between the cement of the driveway and the slab of the garage. Funny how a seed falls and finds its way, when seemingly inpossible, to send down roots and thrive outside a comfort zone, a less than peaceful spot where cars zoom in and out and people walk. It did and indeed,  blooms!

Peace of mind. When our trust is anchored to the Creator, the Lord God Almighty, we can be assured of His peace, no matter what the circumstances. When we pay attention to His workings, His divine appointments, even His interventions, we can know His peace. When our heart is troubled for lost loved ones, overwhelmed with care of the obstinate and diseased, the depressed and the disabled, let not our hope fade in Jesus Christ, our provider of peace. He will give us a peace the world does not understand and the will to carry on. You can choose to be angry, fight the ones you love for control and ignore God, the maker and giver of Peace, or you can surrender, lean into Him and ask Him to show you the road towards peace, peace of mind, peace of soul. You make the choice.

Father, Giver and Ruler of all that is Peace, thank you for Hospice and for trained professionals that can take charge when all is weary; when words struggle to make sense. Thank you for divine appointments that turn into testimonies and for reminders of youthful days. Thank you for peace keepers and promises of peace. Help us Lord to be peacemakers and to honor You with our stories and our own miraculous Peace that passes understanding through our testimony of faith. Every good gift comes from above, from Your Spirit and Your blessings in our life when we put our trust in You. Amen.

The Wonder of it All!

Psalm 9:1 I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all Thy wonders.

The seasons take their sweet time coming upon us here in the Southland. Fall seems to be officially here when the Halloween candy disappears and the pyramid display of Mrs. Cubbison's stuffing is teetering at the entrance of every favorite grocery store.  

Just once I'd like to...nah...

This week the sun shined bright and a few records were set in the high 80's and even the 90's. Finally, Friday felt like fall.  I missed snapping a picture, but the leaves piled everywhere on campus; thick and rustling underfoot. I thought of my good friend and co-worker traveling back to Indianapolis this week, supporting her daughter and our high school band and color guard at the National's, the major high school band competition. Christina and her husband took some time to see "fall" in the midwest (or is that back east?) and she sent me this picture. 

My niece who attends ASU in Tempe, sent me this desert perspective of the Arizona sky. 

  

Capturing the full moon last night, a glowing ring around it and a smattering of clouds starting to form, a promise of sprinkles made me hope for more. My skin begs for it.   

Today, while leaving campus, the trees clapping and shedding, blackbirds swooping in, unafraid of teenagers, I looked to the Heavens and captured this moment. 

A lesson in a short, beautifully depicted video shared this week in one class, benign of any deep spiritual stand (for that could not happen), encouraged one to look at all that surrounds and take in the WONDER, the specialness. Let's be intentional in recognizing that every day, every moment for some...for all of us, lies a gift. God in His Word said it very clear, "Be still, and known that I am God." 

I agree. While some seemed amazed by this "revelation," this inspirational wisdom, it only confirmed to me what I already know and soak in everyday through God's Word.  No cinemotographer scripted this.  God's Word says it loud and clear. 

Gratefulness births peace. 

Thanksgiving heals. 

Everyday miracles around us, humbles.

The Heavens declare His Glory

And in His Wonders, I bring Worship.  

Thank you Lord, that peace, healing, humbleness, and true worship comes in fluttering fall leaves and the chipper of a blackbird, in the swirling orange sherbert and angel contrails of a desert sky, in the moonbeam reflection of a nightime canvas painted by Your hands, and in the promise of a soaking of Your love, billowed up in graceful clouds framing Your Light, the Light in which I count my blessings and tell of Your Wonders.  Amen. 

A Certain Credibility

Hosea 6:3 "So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth." 




Today, the news tells us of a "credible threat."

Intelligence decipherers and purveyors of Homeland Security extended the warning to the media, remitting to the public. Reinforcements begin, closing certain embassys for awhile, travel restrictions to"unfriendly"areas, more security checks, and heightened alert for our military. "Chatter" increases; we hunker down and wait it out.

Can the murmurings of evil, of lies, of resentment and discouragement shut you down?  

In all honesty...it does at times.

I'm not Jesus.

My brain has too many thoughts and words and just like "chatter," I think fearful things, say words that confuse or point to ME instead of God, fail to forgive because I think it's justified, cry sometimes, stress. My heart gets clogged up with my own agenda. I'm a work in progress; thank you God for loving me anyways and seeing the end result.

I took that filter off quite a while ago; the one that used to just say the nice prayers at nice times for the nice people.

I'm in the trenches now, the Lord rules as the C.I.A. of my soul. Real life soldiering as one belonging to Christ, I press on. Praying continually, my communication pleads and praises and He assesses and blesses. He definitely hears my chatter, but I must receive His intelligence and act upon it. Christ teaches in His Word, we must pray for the people we'd rather forget, endure situations inconvenient and frustrating, live this life in all its difficulty and do it under His grace. I must bring my tears to Him. He's got them all counted anyway.

Without my Savior, I am toast!  Burnt toast at that!

What's so certain about it, is that the Word of God so easily comes into focus. Reading His Word, I feel the enemy back down. I get clarity, a heightend sense of spiritual alertness.

 Angel armies, HOMEland Security, Peace.

God does not give us a "credible threat," but an INCREDIBLE PROMISE!"

He, my Father God, goes before me, and He promises to refresh my soul, despite what threatens to disrupt my world.  My only instruction is to surrender...

and the blood rushes through, and the promise of rain, CERTAIN. The Rain/Blood washes stuff away and sustains life.

Heavenly Father, I press on. Hear my "chatter" Holy Spirit. Interpret, and fill me with your wisdom to counter the enemy of this world. Allow me to be a Peacekeeper, not a deal breaker. The enemy is sly and waits for the cracks in the armor. I stand in Your spring rain, sustained by Your Word. This world will one day know that You are Lord, Lord of All. Amen.

Do you have a certainty about God in your life?  He's ready to listen to your chatter.