Birthday Hope

Psalm 27:13 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord."

I've known OF despair. Defined, the word means: (noun) loss of hope; hopelessness, (verb) to lose, give up, or be without hope. Despair, a tool of the devil, is like a hammer to your heart. Pounding it, pulverizing it. Losing shape, the heart sinks, bringing with it a shoulder slump, a hanging head, hair in face, and shuffling feet--that is if you move at all. 

Do I have reason to despair? 

This coming week marks our son's birthday; his 33rd--if he were still present on this earth.  Of course, grief took its rightful place in my heart and mind. Yes, it is still there. I say for me, it is OK that I visit it on occassion, open the floodgates and truly feel the depth of how I miss my oldest son, Timothy. While I visit with grief, I have a restraining order against despair. 

 What are the charges against this criminal, this stalker?

 Robber of joy, murderer of spirit, embezzler of grace, cheater of will and purpose.

Slam the door, lock it,  and throw away the key. 

Can I get an Amen?  

Knowing the Chief of Eternal Security has its advantages. The Holy Spirit set up His comforting sentinel around my heart, and Hope never left. I believe in the goodness of the Lord and I see it every day, even through the bloodied gauze of grief. 

Lord, another September day comes and we celebrate the gift-memory of a son named Timothy Brian. Thank you Father for Your outstanding goodness to me, for filling me with understanding and a purpose to fulfill. I praise You, the lifter of my head,  until that day when earthly birthdays no longer matter but heavenly birthdays fill the sky with infinity candles set in the lampstands of Promise. 

"Put Another Candle On the Birthday Cake"

Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to thee a heart of wisdom."

 Today, is my birthday.  I'm one year short of the big 6-0, holding the line at 59!  (oh, that ryhmes!) Has it been a memorable year?  What gifts have I received? What wisdom have I gained?

Corey left the nest. Momma bird keeps an eagle eye and sometimes squacks at the flight pattern he chooses, but I continue to bow my head and give him over to You Lord, trusting that my faithfulness in prayer will not return void.

"Keep flapping those wings Core.  Mama bird loves you!"

Two road trips further bonded my sister and I to family, some long since dust and others with hearts that still beat to the same song; blood that remembers and treasures.  Grace met us on those trips and guided us on the trails, sang along and answered the call..."Are we there yet?"

"Not quiet, but I'm still showing you the way."

Story time. My time. A platform arose for my authentic self, my vulnerability, my storms of life to be shared. So, I wrote and then I stepped out, well, sat in front of "the land of the living" and spoke of those things, those words written in journal pages, the loss, the grief, the healing. And it was good.

 "I would have despaired..."(Psalm 27) yet God...

New faces sat around our writer's table.  Aspired to inspire. Submissions turn into hard copies and Celebration carries us through the fall and beyond.

Walking for NephCure. Saving kidneys, Saving lives. "Savior, you can move the mountains, for you are mighty to save."

A wondering warrior of a husband perserveres. Music invites him to praise, carries him along the roads. I am never alone. Whispered words of wisdom in nightime scriptures and butterfly friends keep me accountable, engaged, hopeful.

New friends...Oh the new friends! God's wisdom abounds in walks and talks and sharing and caring and laughter and status postings and picture sharing.  Thank you God!

Old friends, same year of birth (or close anyways), my jewels. (cell phone lights up as I'm writing this and a precious gem who lives in Boston is calling me, just opened her card--Blessed). Wisdom now gathers and encourages (and talks a lot!)  It's not singular.

Chaotic world numbers it's days. July 20, Aurora, Sept. 11, Benghazi, Dec. 14, Newtown, April 15, Boston.  I DO despair...but my hope remains in You Lord.

God speaks and directs me to lead. I jump in, feet first. They come, wanting more of you in fellowship  You give us All of You.  (Thank you three special ladies for joining me).

Ruth returned empty to be filled. Her twilight days redeemed;  her legacy brings forth the promised Messiah.

Here's my sandle Lord, I await your Harvest for You are bountiful; beauty from the ashes.  (Ruth 4).

Father God, thank you for your grace that fills each of my hours with hope for this year, with purpose for the next.  May each day you've numbered for me bring you glory until my days are complete. I am grateful and thankful for this year, and may wisdom be gleaned from the fields and planted anew for Your continuing Harvest. Amen.