Taking a deeper insight into all of life's situations and people conversations, His Word shouts to me in a loud boom and other times in a gentle whisper of Truth. In devotional style, I wish to share my walk through many venues of life I cross with my Lord, with you. Be blessed. Coleene VanTilburg, blogger/writer.
Romans 4:20 ...yet with the respect to the promise of God, he (Abraham) did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God.
I work with special needs, high school age kiddos. A very challenging job requiring a lot of patience and understanding, one needs love and hope as well. The hope is not so much for a "cure," but more in the idea that we all can attain a better understanding of how to help one another get to a goal, no matter how ridiculous or trivial it may seem to the "normal" world.
This week, I was instructed in my relationship with one kiddo in particular to implement a "wait trial."
This intervention involves data gathering during implementation of an exercise. I chart success and failures. The goal: to encourage the student to learn to wait for a perceived reward, an award he will get, because he waited. It involves a timer (on my phone) and the reward--one single M&M at a time, for ten tries. The waiting time will increase day to day, trial to trail, week by week. The goal for success is 80%.
For someone on the autism spectrum, the need for sensory stimulation is immediate and can result in some difficult behavior if not satisfied.
Yes, a bigger goal in mind concerning another complicated behavior warrants the baby steps taken with this beginning wait trial. After the statistics calculate out and success is apparent, we'll try the waiting and reward system for other behaviors.
It's so hard to wait for things, right?
We pray. We pace, We pray again. We go ahead of God. We get frustrated. We may exhibit behaviors not so appropriate for a "faithful follower."
What if God gave us a "wait trial?"
I think He does. The rewards are all the little blessings we receive in the waiting. Some are tangible, some are in His Word. Some are in the very thing we are waiting for, sparks of hope, good data to remind us that God is listening and that His timing is perfect.
Is our goal only at 80% of the time, maybe, I will be faithful? I will wait?
God loves when we give our all, yet He knows we are incapable of 100%. That's why Jesus came, to give us the grace when waiting seems impossible.
In our own waiting trial, we grow, we gain strength for the next possible bigger waiting trial ahead.
God's therapy for our hearts and minds may seem ridiculous for those who do not understand the goodness of the Lord, His perfect will. Patience, endurance, seeking the right way instead of the popular way, worship and fellowship in Him are all things that encourage us in our own "wait trials."
The only difference? God's wait trials, in our daily walk with Him, do not keep track of those times we are not successful. Christ died on the Cross for all our checked boxes of failures. He wiped any data sheet we may think He keeps, clean, like we never messed up!
Lord, I am thinking about the things I am waiting for. I know you give me many "wait trials" in order to get to the bigger goal. Thank you for all the sweet blessings, the little rewards for my faithfulness in the waiting. (Is any reward from God little?) Sharing these amazing and sometimes supernatural messages comes natural to me, Lord. Thank You for allowing me this gift. Sometimes, though, in my stubbornness and impatience, I have to wait longer. Lord, I know Your grace. You always say "try again, something awesome awaits--keep at it, keep pressing on, trust Me." Your answers and orchestrations of my desires are worth the wait. Thank You for loving us so much that You teach us to wait on You, so that we can see and share Your glory. Help me Lord in my own wavering days, honor me in my successes if it be Your will, Amen.
Psalm 86: 12-13 "I will give thanks to Thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. For Thy lovingkindness toward me is great, and Thou hast delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol." I said goodbye to a collegue, a man whose friendship I treasure and whose wisdom and grounding in Truth encouraged me at work. He retired. Bon voyage, Art. I will miss your greetings across campus, "How ya doin' Sis?!" Grace is made greater when friendships are centered around His faithfulness.
I honored a classmate's passing; again cancer rears its ugly head and wins the earthly battle, but eternity is a victory. I didn't know him in school, yet I knew him in what we shared; God, classmate friends, family love, a neighborhood and The Dodgers. RIP Alan. I now have two new friends, your son and daughter. Grace is made greater when we can serve one another.
February 27th this year fell on Monday. Ten years ago, it was on a Tuesday. Myself, my husband and my youngest son received the heart-breaking news that our oldest son, our brother, did not survive the clutches of a deteriorating disease he suffered with most his life. He was only 26. His name is Timothy. Grace, my emulsion, my strength, my soul-giving breath continues to guide me and strengthen me to understand a God who is great, a God who is good. Even in the darkest of times, God's grace is greater. In my time with my writing group this week, our prompt for our journal session was to write about grace, its impact on our life. Well, I kidded with the my writing partner who penned this particular opening segment of our curriculum... "I wrote a whole book already on that subject!"
She laughed along with me, knowing that "grace" in itself, is what we all write about in every word we attempt to put together to makes sentences, to explain our insignificant lives--but how He in His grace set upon and in us, changes us. He makes us significant and continues to do so.
So, I wrote and in my "not allowed editorializing" before I shared my words, I stated that this might just be the beginning of another book of my amazing moments with God who so lovingly shows me His care of my heart concerning the loss of my son. His visible grace I received on a day marking a 10-year anniversary and I serve a God who lavishes lovingkindness on me and delivers my soul in a very clear yet personal way. So Amazing. So thankful. So Good.
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Dylan. He is 20 now, so that would make him 10 years old when we first moved here, just 5 short months after Timmy died. We shared this townhouse, his family on the other side of our common wall. Dylan and his brother Jordan came over frequently, to love on us and share with us. Their mom and dad, Raul and Ronda became like family.We felt for the first time in many years like we were "home." That was so God. He graced us with this home, orchestrating this place...these neighbors, so we could settle in, so we might grieve surrounded by His care and love. It DOES come generously in His servants.We love those two boys, and I believe God placed us here, next door to the Zavaletas for His purpose and comfort.
So now, ten years later, my husband and I plan a half-day at Disneyland, dinner somewhere--just be together to remember the day Tim went to heaven. It rained, poured hard all the way to the Park, but stopped as we parked following the car in front of us. We merged from our vehicle as the occupants next to us do the same--Dylan, and his girlfriend, randomly parking right next to us in the biggest parking lot in the country. After the laughs, selfie-taking, and chit-chat, they went on their way and we did the same. I felt God...I heard God say to me...
"Remember...not just Timmy, but how I chose to bless you, give you comfort in your grief. I moved you to a better place, a good place, and surrounded you with love. Dylan is that reminder, of 10 years in your home and 10 years of seeking Me and allowing Me to love you and show you My glory."
I knew we would have a good day.
We chose ESPN Zone to have dinner, a place represented by sports, fans and good food, three things my son loved. The server walked us to a booth right in the middle of the restaurant with a clear view of the huge TV, the LA Kings skating against the Minnesota Wild. Ted and I ordered and as I enjoyed a glass of wine, I read the scrolling trivia atop the screen, the "Did you know" questions and answers zipping by as the defense and offence slashed across the ice below.
"Did you know that Barry Bonds holds the home run record of 762 runs in his career?
As a matter of fact, I DID know that, because a chapter in my book recollects that moment he hit that ball, achieved that record the summer we moved, the summer right after Tim's death...the summer I thought a lot about heaven.
Then those dates scroll along...1954-1980.
I have to wait another 10 minutes for the board to repeat itself so I could see those dates again. Those dates...get its content. I knew what they meant to me.
1954, the year I was born. 1980, the year Tim was born.
..."but he does not hold the world record. That is held by Sunahara Oh, a Japanese player who out hit Barry Bonds by 160 home runs in a career spanning from 1954-1980."
I take a picture on the next loop with my cell phone.
Later that night, I would ask my husband, Ted, what he thought that meant--seeing those two dates, those years on that screen as we were "celebrating" a heavenly birthday. Ten years of hearing from God and receiving His grace and comfort in so, so many significant and amazing ways--I am always the one to interpret, to know the meaning, to ponder and recognize.
But not this time. I asked Ted, not even trying to analyze it. I asked the father of our son to tell me what Our Father meant by showing me those dates.
"God's showing you the bond between a mother and a son, that He understands and knows you miss him. You and Timmy--together, forever."
(Did he know he used the word "bond?"...that was unintentional, right)?
God is so Good. His lovingkindness towards me is great! Greater than a huge parking lot with thousands of cars and people. Greater than cheering crowds and professional hockey players and broadcast capabilities. Greater than Disneyland and rain storms and home run records!
His lovingkindness is greater than my grief. For I have experienced the depths of that emotion and God has delivered me from the part that leaves me feeling alone, insignificant, angry, questioning, worthless, empty, fearful...doubting. He made Tim's time here significant. Grace does that. Grace continues to do that. He keeps giving and showing me beauty in this ugliness of what we call death. For death in grace is only an earthly, flesh, temporary departure. Death in Christ is a home run straight to eternity. That is something so significant, one can't help but proclaim His goodness, scroll it out in the words and actions of my heart.
Thank You Lord for your grace, your lovingkindness towards me. Thank You for the grace that saved my son and brought him to eternity where we will see each other again in Your Glory. Thank You for giving me such amazing moments that point to Your lovingkindness towards all who believe in You and seek You in their time of great need. With all my heart, I cannot thank You enough for Your gift of grace, an undeserved favor from You, the Holy One, my Creator and Giver of all things good. Help me Lord to also be a grace-giver in these times when Your lovingkindness is needed in so many dark places. You are good, Amen.
Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to thee a heart of wisdom."
Today, is my birthday. I'm one year short of the big 6-0, holding the line at 59! (oh, that ryhmes!) Has it been a memorable year? What gifts have I received? What wisdom have I gained?
Corey left the nest. Momma bird keeps an eagle eye and sometimes squacks at the flight pattern he chooses, but I continue to bow my head and give him over to You Lord, trusting that my faithfulness in prayer will not return void.
"Keep flapping those wings Core. Mama bird loves you!"
Two road trips further bonded my sister and I to family, some long since dust and others with hearts that still beat to the same song; blood that remembers and treasures. Grace met us on those trips and guided us on the trails, sang along and answered the call..."Are we there yet?"
"Not quiet, but I'm still showing you the way."
Story time. My time. A platform arose for my authentic self, my vulnerability, my storms of life to be shared. So, I wrote and then I stepped out, well, sat in front of "the land of the living" and spoke of those things, those words written in journal pages, the loss, the grief, the healing. And it was good.
"I would have despaired..."(Psalm 27) yet God...
New faces sat around our writer's table. Aspired to inspire. Submissions turn into hard copies and Celebration carries us through the fall and beyond.
Walking for NephCure. Saving kidneys, Saving lives. "Savior, you can move the mountains, for you are mighty to save."
A wondering warrior of a husband perserveres. Music invites him to praise, carries him along the roads. I am never alone. Whispered words of wisdom in nightime scriptures and butterfly friends keep me accountable, engaged, hopeful.
New friends...Oh the new friends! God's wisdom abounds in walks and talks and sharing and caring and laughter and status postings and picture sharing. Thank you God!
Old friends, same year of birth (or close anyways), my jewels. (cell phone lights up as I'm writing this and a precious gem who lives in Boston is calling me, just opened her card--Blessed). Wisdom now gathers and encourages (and talks a lot!) It's not singular.
Chaotic world numbers it's days. July 20, Aurora, Sept. 11, Benghazi, Dec. 14, Newtown, April 15, Boston. I DO despair...but my hope remains in You Lord.
God speaks and directs me to lead. I jump in, feet first. They come, wanting more of you in fellowship You give us All of You. (Thank you three special ladies for joining me).
Ruth returned empty to be filled. Her twilight days redeemed; her legacy brings forth the promised Messiah.
Here's my sandle Lord, I await your Harvest for You are bountiful; beauty from the ashes. (Ruth 4).
Father God, thank you for your grace that fills each of my hours with hope for this year, with purpose for the next. May each day you've numbered for me bring you glory until my days are complete. I am grateful and thankful for this year, and may wisdom be gleaned from the fields and planted anew for Your continuing Harvest. Amen.
