A Patio of Sorrows Promises a Journey Home

Revelation 21:4 And He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away. 

We're in the midst of it, yet we remain isolated, separated from it. My mother-in-law is 86 years old and suffers from dementia for many years now. Within her memory care facility, COVID19 infected a few staff and then several residents, my mother-in-law included. 

Transferred to the local community hospital, she received care and did not require a ventilator. No visitations are allowed--continuing the long months we have not physically seen her since this pandemic began. 

My dear friend's daughter is a nurse at this hospital, like an angel sent to keep an eye, a wing over her. We receive the reports every day, her condition, her confusion, her despair, her fear, her rebellion and defiance, her longing to go "home," the doctor calling my brother-in-law. Could that be her childhood home in the Netherlands? Could that be sixty years ago in Culver City when she first immigrated to America? Now she is silent and refusing to eat. 

Home is where one feels safe, protected, surrounded by loved ones. 

Happy. 

She returns home, but it is back to the memory care facility, to a special ward they have set up for "returning" COVID19 patients, for now. It is not the HOME we long for, the place where beauty displays beyond our imaginations, where perfection and all its Glory outshines the sun, where all things are aligned and make sense and we see the purpose in everything, where Jesus and His Grace envelop our Spirit and Love wipes away, disinfects hate forever and ever. 

And so we wait over here, while she is over there, and we pray that she will receive mercy to get home, the Heavenly Home awaiting her where her husband waits, her grandson prepares, Her Heavenly Father hears our prayers. 

I remember the day very well, the day she knew her husband definetly went to heaven, but she did not think, had no assurance she would be "so lucky." 

It had only been a few hours since my father-in-law peacefully got up out of bed in the middle of the night, made himself some soup, sat in his recliner and went to be with the Lord. In the beginning stages of dementia, and in her confusion, she asked me about Heaven, how she could make sure she could see Dad again. 

The birds chirped loudly in the trees as we sat in her small patio. I asked her the questions one asks when sharing the Good News. Do you believe in God, Mom? We cannot have communion with God because of our sin, it has separated us from Him. Do you know why Jesus came Mom? 

She began to talk of her childhood, how she walked herself to Sunday School in the Netherlands, but no one in her family went. She learned a little about God, maybe Jesus. The need for religion or any church affiliation in adulthood only came when convenient, sponsorship by the Luthren Church to come to America, weddings, babtisms, funerals.  My Father-in-law was Catholic, and "he was a good man," she repeated over and over to me in her tears and her overwhelming fears. 

We talked for some time as I held her hands and asked if she wanted to pray, confess her sin, ask Jesus into her heart and have the hope of Heaven. In her thick accent, she pleaded with me to pray and I told her she could repeat the words I said and believe with all her heart that God would hear her. 

And so we did. On the same morning my father-in-law entered Heaven himself, she, even in her confusion and dementia, made Peace with the heavenly Father. 

Isaiah 49:13b "For the Lord has comforted His people, and will have compassion on the afflicted." 

As we returned into the apartment, my husband sitting in Dad's chair, she patted his shoulders and in tears, apologized to her son. 

""I didn't tell you Teddy, I didn't know...I'm so sorry, I never told you about God...Teddy, do you know?" 

My husband, looking up at his mother, in a bit of a surprise, tells her that he knows God, he has salvation, reassuring her that God is good. 

The years go by and her dementia initiates more change and the move to the memory care facility. She no longer knows her grandchildren, her 5 great grand children are a mystery. Her fear overwhelms her and her tears are always evident. Every minute is brand new from the previous one. She won't remember yesterday, a fog of what happened five minutes ago. 

She hugged and loved on me though, in her dementia more than she ever did in her lifetime of having me as her daughter-in-law. 

My tears are evident when I leave her, though I know she is safe. 

And I know as we wait for this next chapter, God, because He is full of Grace, will honor her prayer in the patio of sorrows, welcoming her home. It will be in heaven where she will learn of His character, of His sovereignty, of the stories and the orchestrations. It is there she will meet the saints, hear the choirs, be a part of the Body of Christ and maybe attend Sunday School again, have a ministry.  

I like to think on that, what she has to look forward to. 

Father God, thank You for the opportunity to share the hope of Your Son on that very sad, bittersweet day. I will never forget our precious words together, my mother-in-law and me and Your amazing grace. Today, as we learn of her entering hospice care and we cannot be with her, we ask for Your comfort and peace as You prepare her for eternity and a reunion. May we be ever cognizant of the moments to share the Good News of the Gospel with those You place in our path. May those who know You Lord, never waste a moment not wanting to know You more. This breaks my heart for He longs to give us so much more if we just trust Him. Grace for Salvation is all sufficient, but Sustaining Grace gives us the abundant life promised and a fulfillment of His perfect Will.  Lord, please bless my bother-in-law and his family for he has worked tiredlessly guiding the decisions and doing all the paperwork for her care. Thank You Lord and bless the nurses and doctors in this COVID19 pandemic and all of her previous care. Thank you especially for Nurse Carissa being near to my mother-in-law and all the staff at the hospital. Thank You Lord for the promise of Heaven and for Your comfort and strength for all the days ahead until we too, are Heaven Bound. Amen. 

A Triumphant Plan

Zechariah 9:9 "Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O daughter of Jerusalem! 
Behold your King is coming to you; He is just and endowed with salvation,
Humble and mounted on a donkey, even a colt, the foal of a donkey."

Palm Sunday is in a few days; the day we, as believers read in Scriptures of the Jesus's triumphant entry into Jerusalem before the dark days to come. Zechariah prophetically proclaimed this event in the Old Testament. We read of it as well in the New Testament as it unfolds. 

At the beginning of the verse, we  see celebration, a proclamation to  rejoice greatly, to even shout! If technology availed itself back then, I guess "all caps" might be used or Instant messaging--Breaking News on our screens. 

 Let's gather together, celebrate. "Hosanna to the Son of David!" 

Let's welcome Him to Jerusalem, roll out the red carpet, clean up the town, fly the banners and cheer Him on! Whoo-hoo, Yeah Jesus of Nazareth! 

They placed their cloaks down on the ground for His donkey and the colt to walk over as well as cut palm fronds, a symbol of triumph, waving them as He passed by the crowds. 

In a week's time, this same crowd rallied for His arrest, His death, His demise. Their memory of a recent celebration gone as fast as the palm branches discarded. He no longer was recognized as a King, but as a blasphemer. 

After His triumphal entry, He went to the Temple where He witnessed a marketplace on the very Holy grounds meant for worship, to present sacrifice-- a place meant for serious spiritual work, a covenat Gift set up long ago. As before, the crowds were caught up in the opportunity to make a buck, take advantage of a crowd, disrespecting their tradition, their heritage, their God.  

Such fickle people. 

Oh, How I can be the same...

But wait, (there is hope).  Let's take a look at the rest of that verse from Zechariah. 

Behold!  That means..."Hey you, take a look again, pay attention, wait...there is more!"

Your King is coming to you!  Even in our wishy-washiness, our apathy, our "Yeah Jesus" one day and our disregard for Him the next day...Jesus is still our King, Lord, sovereign, in charge, Holy...RESURRECTED, ALIVE. 

He is JUST. We see that in the overturning of the money changers and their tables.  He divides right from wrong, holy from unclean, truth from fake news. Justice goes one step further though, He is ENDOWED WITH SALVATION! 

Endowed means to bequeath, establish, equipped to give. Our sin separted us from God. Yet, He made a way through His Son to bring back a relationship, a triumphal victory over all we have done in our fickle and sinful ways. 

We can see all this happening in Matthew, Chapter 21. Jesus comes to town with a great welcoming committee. Everybody is cool with HIm. "Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!"  He goes to the Temple and hands out some justice. Then, He does another God thing. In Matthew 21:14 it says that the lame and the blind came to Him and He healed them. 

Maybe our lameness and/or our lack of vision has left us. Is it a possiblity that we have forgotten that Jesus came to triumph over and establish truth and justice...a HOPE in us? 

BEHOLD, I am the the Hope of the world. 

Father God, as I read again this story, I am reminded of how quick we can get distracted, get caught up, plucked away by worldly desires and fears, removed to just the outskirts of our True Love. Uncertainty covers our planet in the form of a virus that spreads quickly, making us sick and possibly worse. Isn't sin exactly the same? Have we lost our fear of it? Justified some of it? Compromised to appease the masses?  We are mortal. We will all face death and in that, I thank you Lord for Victory over it! Jesus, forgive me for those times I am not seeing Your triumphant plan, for not always walking side by side in Your will, but lame in my own wishy-washy thoughts. I am thankful that in a humble prayer, the heavens celebrate our return and encourage us in our desire to continue to see You more and walk with You in triumph and victory. Thank you for turning the tables of sin over in my heart and ridding me of that which is unpleasing in Your sight, I am a work in progress!  You did that work of Love on the Cross and we as Believers, received the Victory that glorious Easter Day. As we stay safe in our homes now, away from worldy viruses and connection, may our hearts-- I pray, multitudes of hearts return HOME to You to receive open eyes and discarded crutches-- our excuses for not surrendering in our need. Help us to believe in every moment and not lose sight of Your triumphal plan. Hosanna in the Highest!  Amen. 

I found this palm today at a great price in the grocery store! 

{John Piper}

Certainty

Hosea 6:3  "So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.  
                    His going forth is as certain as the dawn;  
                    And He will come to us like the rain, 
                    Like the spring rain watering the earth."

About six weeks ago, my son helped me dig a spiral trench in which I placed daffodil bulbs. Greatly discounted, I purchased the lonely bag I found on the bottom of a wayward rack at the local Home Depot. Planting time is usually around late fall. A warm February day reminded me of the plan. I remember we dug right after I returned from church. I rushed my son's help before he took off for whatever adventures awaited him--certain he had other plans.

The thing is, the way they looked in the bag, a bit tattered, possibly compromised, I wasn't sure they were viable. What I knew though, encouraged me to plant anyways, placing the bulbs snug next to each other. I imagined their beauty coming up in the spring, the circular movement of my design in the planting and the hope that next year,  I could plant a mirror image on the other side.

As I placed each bulb down and finished, I stood back, amazed at the perfect fit in the trench, from beginning bulb to the last one. It seemed certain that this might be their purpose.

About two weeks ago, after a very dry February, I noticed the ground cracking and the tips of a few daffodils starting to protrude. I grabbed the hose and drenched the earth, absent of rain since Christmas. My hope, that all might make their way and burst through the ground.

A pair of doves (here is one) came to my garden one day. 

In planting and procurring a butterfly garden, and all the past experience, I am certain that the Monarch and other butterflies will soon be in abundance. I look forward with certainty, watching the sprouts that annualy come up, warmer weather and colorful petals along with the bees--are just around the corner. Today, I spotted a beautiful female monarch out my picture window. With certainty, I made my way outside with my phone to capture her delighting in her milkweed nursery in which to lay her eggs. I counted half a dozen fat caterpillars preparing with their own certainty, something supernatural might just be coming soon.

March brought us rain. Spring rain. I am certain this special gift from Heaven will encourage everything nature intended it to.

~~~

This week, #coronavirus changed our lives.

Certainty, a word we cannot use on most of what we do everyday. Uncertain when we might return to work, to school, to even our place of worship. Uncertain about this virus, the who, what and where. Uncertain about what we can buy at the grocery store. Uncertain of the information we are receiving, our bank accounts, but certain only in the fact that vigilance and duty to the orders given must be implemented to do our part, to best help.

But, then the certainty comes. We are certain we must socially distance ourselves from each other, wash our hands with compulsion and frequency and be a good neighbor.

Children giving their neighbor a "concert" in Ohio 

We become uncertain at things we haven't experienced for ourselves, with trusting other people's information, with the unknown. The reverse becomes true on what we are certain of. We know what we know, because of our own truth. We've experienced the faithful  truth raining down over and over into our life, how expectant we are that hope will fly in, how humbling and courageous we are to make a way, open up our hearts to plant a promise and then nurture it to bloom. I am certain that God is good.

I am certain that the Lord goes before me. He makes Himself known over and over again in my life. People will do and say uncertain things, institutions will fail, viruses send messages of fear and uncertain futures. But the Lord's certain and sustained love keeps me pressed in to Him for all my uncertain moments.

Thank You Father God,  for being the certain and steadfast Spring Rain in my heart and soul. You refresh and prepare me with Your Word for Holy things. I am certain of Your grace planted deep and how You allow me to see through my own cracks in the ground of my human decisions, a story to be told. Your unfailing grace and plan, your supernatural design for me, a certainty of the Divine Plan. Thank You that I know where my sustenance is, where I can place my hope and even my legacy in, for You are certain to hear my prayers and answer them in Your perfect timing and certain to give me blessings in this life and into eternity. I pray and ask for those uncertain and living in fear of what they have not experienced in You, to lay aside what they think they know and press into You, the God who makes Himself known and certain when we seek Your face. In Your Amazing Grace, Amen.

A bee sheltering in a safe place.

And most certainly, the daffodils bloom 

Sequestered or Sanctified?

Psalm 118:8 :It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."


A lot transpires in a week. (since last week's post). Emptier shelves, Longer lines and minute by minute updates interrupt our stream of conscious causing us to reassess life. 

Cancelled, postponed, shut down, off limits, unavailable. The anticipated events in our lives are deleted from the calendar. 

Major and minor league sports, high school sports, concerts, conventions, meet-ups, church meetings, assemblies, public amusement parks and historical sites...even school! 

The list goes on. 

We are told to communicate virtually, isolate, hunker down, socially detach, board up the house...well, not quite that. 

When we are told to shut it down, God reminds us to sanctify. 

John 17:17 "Sanctify them in the truth; Your Word is truth."

When we are told to forget about doing this or that, God tells us to have faith. 

Mark 11:22-24 And Jesus answered them, "Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whooever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 

When we are told things are without precedent, unpredictable and the pressure is on, God gives us peace. 

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

God's is for us; His will and sovereign plan remain steadfast. He, the Lord is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. We can go about our daily walk with Him in the midst of our side-lined days, our self-quarantine and cancellations. 

God shows up. Always. 

Will we? 

Maybe you have abandoned plans to know God more. Maybe you have postponed, set aside that talk you needed to have with Him. Maybe your hurt and pride have become like a virus, a venom allowed to keep surging through your veins. It hardens the heart. 

But God! He is our refuge! He remedies, redeems, revives us from ourselves, our sin, our apathy, our fear. For God is Love for our condition, our very critical condition if we do not recognize His sacrifice, accept His perscription for Hope. 

Lord, A national and world-wide pandemic is a scary and very serious thing. This virus continues to mutate and move in ways we do not yet understand. Lord, I pray for those gifted to find ways to halt it, cure it, sequester it, be given grace and wisdom in the process. I pray for Your protection and for our patience during this outbreak. I pray for those most vulnerable. Encourage us Lord and guide us to encourage one another, serve one another and be creative in the ways we can do, be good to one another and continue to be about Your plan. May understanding and compassion, fellowship and furthering Your Gospel be foremost on our minds and hearts as we approach Passion Week and Easter morning. Lord change us, mutate us to transcend all that this world wants to destroy, All for Your Glory, Amen. 

Complete Joy in Friendship

Philippians 2: 1-2 If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose... 

A conversation took place this week between me and one of my closest friends. We talk almost everyday and even when we don't, I know, she knows, that our thoughts aren't far away from each other. I even texted her a question, a text she never received because she didn't have her phone with her, but she answered me anyway...10 minutes after I texted, on a different device. Yeah---we're just connected that way. 

Anyway, as we shared this week about other people we love and are praying for--all this stuff and heartache, people in desperate situations, health dilemmas, and ongoing family separations, we agreed, it is all so hard, but it is our choice--that we feel deeply, petition, encourage one another, hope together and love one another because the other alternative is isolation. We wouldn't have each other or the beautiful relationship and trust God ordained. Friendships with Christ at the center blooms continuously out the window of our souls, a creative, tangible view of God at work. 

Isolation: No true, authentic friendships in which one can share the deepest of hurts, frustrations, fears, prayers, intimate insights, JOY and HOPE from God. I am sure there are a number of reasons why this happens, but God doesn't intend our lives to be that way. Hope comes from seeing it in another and then believing it for yourself. It is a promise from God. God also instructed us to live in fellowship with one another. 

There is always, always HOPE.

I cannot imagine my life without these close friends who all are dealing with pain of some sort. We talk every day, share every day, pray for one another every day and love God in and with each other every day. God is good. I am hurting for all of them. I cry to God. They have done that for me--do that for me now. I know. I know I am deeply loved and cared for by each one of them in their unique and gifted ways. I learn and see God beautifully in my life through these women of faith. 

In His timing and sovereignty, God will make a way. Then, we will again, feel deeply and cry, rejoicing and praising our Heavenly Father for His divine intervention and our growth in trusting Him. 

It is a choice--to have a deep, intimate, authentic relationship with the Lord or to isolate yourself in your sorrows, disappointments and fears and pretend that nothing matters outside your own bubble of hurt. Eventually, I think, that just might turn into resentment and a very lonely existence. 

One small step of trust, one tiny but faithful prayer to lead you to a true and trusted friend, might just find you surrounded in a circle of deep and passionate relationships who will be your warriors when times are desperate or when joy is over flowing in your heart. It must go somewhere and to me there is no better feeling then praising God with friends who have prayed right along side for God to make Himself known. 

Lord, tonight I pray for the isolated, the hurt, the lonley souls that do not or choose not to trust in friendships. We are still abiding on this earth, thus we are not perfected yet, but God desires for us to live in unity and fellowship, and we must trust Him for the right people alongside us. Help me Lord to be the kind of friend that encourages and prays unceasingly for my friends and believes in all things good, that Your Hope and Your Joy are awaiting us. Thank You Lord that I, that we have seen it and we await for it again. We wait to plan a party! Amen. 

Brother (or Sister)
NEEDTOBREATHE with Gavin DeGraw 

A Step in the Right Direction

Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his step."


An important ministry for women I and many others devote ourselves all year to is temporarily suspended due to unforeseen changes in administration. A search for new leadership and God's timely directive in it all awaits us. The last two events continued as scheduled and our ministry teams  stepped up to provide the support for each other to allow this amazing night to proceed. 

In the six years "Coffee Break" has taken place, this last Monday night astounded us in every aspect, with an affirmation that this particular event will continue, grow and inspire us to be authentic and obedient in telling our story for His glory. 

When man plans to honor the Lord, He will surely direct the steps towards success! It takes communication, trust, a passion and a lot of prayer when a challenge comes, but how would we ever grow or see the beauty of the path if we didn't stop and take it in, re-evaluate and rally for what we know is a beautiful road of hope. We encouraged each other to persevere. It was said, "Coffee Break is writing its own story," and I found that to be true. Through this challenge, I got to know a few other woman better, encourage one another all the more and see God's direction illuminated in our leadership; our purpose, to share the hope of the Gospel through testimony. 

We played a game that night. We had to place a paper plate on our head and with a pen, blindly draw a picture, one step given at a time. 

Draw the ground. Now draw a house. Draw a door on your house, add windows. Place a tree in your picture. Add a sun. Some clouds, etc. After we were finished, we all looked at our drawing, our scribbles, and determined if we placed our pens and drew the picture to look as if these icons appeared relatable. 

Sometimes, life seems like that. We are blindly trying to create a "picture" of what we think we want and we just can't imagine the finished result because it just seems like a finger-painting, not the Renoir we pictured. It can be frustrating. But God sees what we cannot. If we trust Him with our hand--our lives to continue to guide us and follow His directive, we can be assured that what He is creating in us is a masterpiece and reflective of His glory. Your sun might even have a smiling face and a butterfly grace your view of heaven. 

Last night my son left his friend's house a little too late, about an hours drive home. While getting on the two lane highway not known for its safety, a bad accident happened just ahead of him. Two cars collided head-on when one car made an obvious unsafe attempt to pass a big rig on a hill. There were fatalities and a closure of the highway. My son and several other drivers were stuck behind the  scene, unable to move, turn around or proceed anywhere. He sat in his car for the next 5 hours in the middle of the night in the cold desert. 

How do I know all this? He called me, I called him, he called me. All night long, I lay awake as he did, resting, but calling every hour or so to check on the progress, make sure he was safe and staying awake, and encouraged. Someone at home was waiting for him, he wasn't alone and though tragedy and wreckage surrounded him, love still lit up his phone. Concern and hope still encouraged him in this lonely frustrating time in which he had no control over. The Lord directed his steps to be behind the caution tape and not inside it. Thank you Lord!  

Father God, we thank you for teaching us to trust you when things just go another way, not as we planned. Help us Lord to keep that trust and grow that trust, encouraging one another in love and hope. Help us Lord to slow down and look for obstacles and not have head-on collisions with doubt and fear. When things get out of our own control, surround us with the right people to inspire us and lift us up to see where our eyes should keep focused. Even when we feel we can't see beyond our own limitations, help us Lord to keep at Your directives, Your loving words because with each faithful step, You Lord are creating in us something glorious, something the world can see a bit of You in, a pathway to Your door of everlasting and abundant life. Amen. 

Love is Bigger!

I Corinthians 13:13 But now abide faith, hope love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.  


Valentine's Day and love is in the air. Sweethearts shop for diamonds, marriages are officiated, boys steal a kiss, girls blush, moms buy the coolest Valentine's for the classroom and kids learn to draw hearts and eat candy with silly words stamped on them. Husbands spend their whole paycheck on a dozen red roses and a box of Sees...well, maybe not. (A nice card and your good cooking is sufficient). 

What is your action, your visible sign, your gift of love to show those special in your heart your affection?  

The leadership students at my high school where I work spent several days writing each classmate's name on a sticky note, color-coded to their grade, and placing it on a several signs that spelled out LOVE. Labor-intensive and creative, each were placed around significant viewing areas  of campus, encompassing the student body in a message of hope. You Matter! You are Loved! Love is bigger than a bully, bigger than failure. Love creates community. 

Mrs. Weiss and her students 

A personal sign of love gave me a hug today. My teacher shared with me a moment she had with one of our special students while returning from an off campus outing yesterday.  I walked ahead of her with another group while student "K" walked beside her. He noticed a butterfly decal on a car. He said to her, "That is for Miss Coleene... that car and the butterfly is for Coleene!" 

When she told me that today, adding "that some think our kids don't get stuff, but, Oh, how they do," I had to sigh and feel the emotion, that a butterfly-love moment reaches beyond boundaries and limitations one might consider, but  transcends and touches every human mind. He knew and felt my heart when I told him a tiny version of a butterfly story, how they come to remind me of a special one in heaven. He remembered the love. Love is bigger than obstacles we can't control or disabilities that challenge us. 

Love is powerful, more powerful than any negative emotion, especially if we feed it and live it and seek to make it grander. 

This morning, I viewed a wonderful story of love and courage combined. Please click on the video below and watch the story of an example of love for mankind exhibited by Mr. Andre Mary. This story should touch your heart with hope. 

http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/79-Year-Old-Man-Rescues-Girl-Freeway-Overpass-368582691.html

The Lord is Love, for God so Loved, He gave his only Son. Think about the Cross and imagine, every human that ever lived having a sticky-note with their name on it, stuck to its rugged exterior, Christ's blood trickling down, runnng through every name.  It creates a big  picture viewed from eternity, one that spells love and grace. Find your name, see it and believe He knows you and redeems you. Allow that love to fill you with worth. Love can silence the "bullies" in your life and can transform them as well. Love is patient and kind, and God's Love is perfect and good. 

Love remembers and has hope that inspires others. Love is a story we can all tell in our own way. Love never fails. 

Love bears all things. Even at 79, love climbs on a freeway overpass and believes, triumphs and saves. Love is enduring and selfless. 

Earlier this week,  the10th of February marked the one-year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. It rained in the afternoon after his memorial service and God gave us a double rainbow on the drive home. Wednesday afternoon, I glanced to the sky and a  "rainbow" of colors reflected in a scattering of light clouds on a rainless day. Later that evening, I ran an errand to the grocery store. In the sky, a group of birds flew in formation, dipping and bending in a circular motion, maybe even a heart. Lord, you are a good God and I thank you for the reminder that Your Love is powerful and transcending, personal and bigger than all our sorrow, our lacking, our confusion, our mistakes, our negativity, our doubt. Your Love is powerful and recharges perserverance, insightful and amazing. Thank you Lord. 

Father, I am grateful and blessed  for Your Love that gives life-saving hope. Help us Lord to love like You do in all circumstances, in our speech, in our actions, in our posts and tweets. Thank you that my name is on a sticky-note on the Cross of Your salvation and that I am remembered. Thank you Lord for showing us Love in rainbows and butterflies, in Your marvelous creation and in Your people. I know I am loved by Greatest Love and that I can forever trust in that same Love for my today and all my tomorrows. Amen

Happy Valentine's Day!  

Falling Into His Grace

I Peter 4:10 "As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God."

It started 7 years ago, with an article in the local paper--a walk for kidney disease, THE kidney disease that bloated our son up, filled him with anti-inflammatory steroids for life and taught him words in his young age like nephrologist, embolism, and needle biopsy.

Here I sit, eating a cold slice of pizza, still wired from my after-work Frapp and a couple of gathering trips for supplies for tomorrow morning's NephCure Walk--the 6th one I've planned and organized.

I feel it coming on...

I am not sure if I am going to burst out crying from exhaustion or I am going to fall to my knees in utter humbleness at how good God is to me. There is a fine line between the two at this very minute and so, I sit to write, to see where my words go, to unwind in the massaging of the Holy Spirit through His Word, in my thoughts, in my memories, in my anticipation, in the sweet mercy of the Lord.

The manifold Grace of God.

The meaning of this word, manifold, (in the Greek) is interpreted as "variegated," or multi-colored. Fall, though in California it looks and feels different than most parts of the country, the changing leaves, the colors and foliage exemplify variegation, the fullness of colors.

Fullness of Grace brightens up the dull areas of my life and piles high above the roots of my salvation. 

Grace Upon Grace (John 1:18)...Amazing Grace. 

Super-duper support, generous givers, vigorous volunteers and pro-active adults with numerous Facebook posts and the sweet faces of their children culminate tomorrow to share in this burden and to gather within the Grace--all different with different stories, yet the same love. They step out in Hope.

I will place my son's picture up on the table with a few pumpkins around it and know the Hope of the Lord. I see it in the challenge of this event and the Grace and fellowship He lavishes on me.

I snuggle still through the warm blankets of His promise to bloom again in the Spring of His planting. The variegated leaves of His grace cover me, feeding me, restoring me to know that I labor not for my glory...

but all for His Glory. 

I miss you Timmy, every day. It is never something that leaves me, ever. Thank you Lord for so many butterfly gifts this week, so much encouragement for Ted and myself. Lord, you know my uttermost thoughts and desires and You intentionally bring me to Your table to feed me and rejuvenate me, when so many things can get in the way. Thank you Lord for Your wisdom, Your Word, the Holy Spirit's voice that gently speaks to me in my very human emotions. Thank You Lord for this ministry---Yes, I call it a ministry, and may our efforts bring comfort and healing in Your time. Thank you for the relationships I am making and keeping. Lord, thank you for Your strength, even in my moments such as now, may I remain Your humble servant until You sweep and lift me up to be in Your presence, like a single multi-colored leaf floating high on the very breath of God.

The Seen and the Unseen

Hebrews 11:1 "Now Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." 

There seemed to be an impending storm brewing the last 10 days or so. A fog of uncertainty just kept hanging around.

Fog amongst the vineyards. 

As someone who works for the school district, I've enjoyed my summer off, doing what I like, gardening, writing, walking...and the last two weeks, waiting for a new assignment, possibly a new school. I started praying long ago, actually beginning last September when I knew my time with my senior meant that a transition for both him and myself, culminated at graduation.

So I waited until the calendar rolled around to August to expect the letter, a reassignment of a new student and praying I'd remain on my same campus.

The letter never appeared. Every time I prayed again about this, I felt such peace. "God's got this," as the saying goes. The fog remained, the haze settled in and things continued to be very fuzzy, very unclear. With school starting in just a few days, I became proactive and began the e-mailing and calling down to the district office. Yes, I became a little concerned.

It seemed I had fallen into a black hole somewhere.  With each communication, the sun seemed to start to breakthrough. In my time with God where I like to hang out, I waited for a sign of strength, a butterfly, the ones I like to name. One day, as I sat out there drinking my whole cup of coffee, I got up to return to the house, and there it was, the butterfly I named "Faith."

God's Words came to me: Just have faith, I will make things clear.  I told God that I didn't think I was too great at waiting, especially about this. He probably smiled and thought...that's why I'm doing this!  

As I write this tonight, I am back at my same high school, a new student and a new challenge. God is faithful and He gives us the desires of our heart. Sometimes, though, we must wait in the haze until He makes things visible. In that, my faith and trust grows again. I will remember this time, this uncertainty, this provident answer in His timing when things looked pretty bleak, and encourage another.

~~~

Other times, clarity is so evident. For the last two summers, the writing of my memoir, a book about my journey through grief and healing remains my number one project. At this point, I am near completion. An old friend came to visit and I decided to show her my chapter titles.

"Pick one, I said."  "I'll read it to you."

So, she did; chapter 7 titled "My Timmy." It ends with a cliffhanger.

"I can't leave without you reading the next chapter to me!" she states.

So, I read her Chapter 8. She has closure and things are clear to her as we talk about my book.

Today, another friend came for a visit and when we returned to the house, I did the same thing. I handed her my chapter page and asked her to pick one and I'd preview my book with her by reading one chapter. Out of 31 chapters, she picked the exact same chapter as my other friend, "My Timmy," and of course when reaching the end, she just wanted more, the answer to what I had left the reader wondering in Chapter 7.

Knowing me for many years, it became clear to her how God's grace and my growth have moved the dark storm clouds away and my vision and attitude now look towards the bright side of life in and through the grieving process, which to me became a part of who I am. The writing of this memoir and the spiritual experiences I've had writing it, the continued healing and purpose in the words, the stories---all the insight is as crystal clear as a Santa Ana windy day in the valley.  I need to tell this story because this is all for His Glory.

I find that is how God works. He makes things like His creation, His love, His majesty so very clear and easy to grasp while other things more abstract like faith, trust and His will, forgiveness--actually are more to do with us, our growth, our willingness to surrender and to wait.

Clear view of Los Angeles Harbor

Lord, The weatherman is right. We need to take heed and wait out the storm, stay under an umbrella of prayer and trust that You, the Light will lead us safely through the haze of uncertainty to a sun shiny place once again. In the clear and sovereign purpose You have for us God, I can trust that the Son and His rays of Hope will keep me focused and headed into each new day with a story to tell, prepared for the rainbow of promise through what is known from the testimony of Your faithfulness to me.  And in all things... I give thanks. Amen.